The Naked Tenant
Another hilarious guest post by Chris¦
You’ve undoubtedly heard of the Naked Chef. Well, I was lucky enough to experience the Naked Tenant.
Several years ago, we had a tri-plex listed in town and the tenants were, shall we say, colourful. I had never come away from a property before with toast stuck to my socks. Not crumbs. Bite-size pieces of toast. Nor had I ever actually seen the beautiful colours that mold grows inside a half-full baby bottle which has been abandoned for weeks beneath a bench. You get the picture.
Because our sellers lived a couple of hours away, and because it was a miserable winter, I had agreed to go over to the property and collect rent on behalf of our clients. JUST this once. After crawling through the debris and garbage which filled each and every square inch of the foyer, I knocked on one apartment door, at around 9:00 a.m. The very young single mom who lived there did not answer the door at first, but clearly she was there as I could hear her voice and that of her infant. I knocked again. The door finally opened and after the haze of marijuana smoke cleared, I realized that I was looking at the tenant and her boyfriend, both stoned and both naked. Averting my eyes, I asked her if she might possibly put something on. (Call me old-school, but I try to put clothes on BEFORE I answer the door at home, so this display of skin came as a bit of a shock to me.) So, she stepped over to the bed, which was in the living room, and pulled a blanket up to her neck. Unfortunately, the blanket fell in a line straight down her body, and neglected to cover any of the ˜bits” I would have preferred not to see. Nonplussed, Boyfriend went and flopped back under the covers. He lit a smoke. The baby was still wailing in another room. When I explained that I was there to collect her overdue rent on behalf of the landlord, she said she didn’t have it, and not wanting to partake in their ˜peep” show any longer, I told her she had one hour to bring the money to our office downtown. I was not coming back and I was NOT impressed.
A couple of hours later, Naked Tenant turned up at the office, with the rent money. She had traded in her birthday suit and was fully clothed, looking more like Doris Day now, than the Courtney Love impersonation of that morning. The baby was clean and cooing and being pushed in her pram by naked girl’s mom. Except for the tell-tale pupils in her glassy eyes, no one would have been the wiser. I accepted the rent and nothing was acknowledged or said, but she was pleading with her eyes for me to keep the events of the morning between the two of us. I did. Until now. I heard she eventually got help for her addictions.
Fast forward to a few months ago, and wasn’t Naked Tenant in line in front of me at the hospital with her young family in tow?! A new infant was perched on her hip, this one with a bad case of thrush in her mouth. The other little girl was happy and animated and had grown up despite her rough start in life. We spoke in line, and I thought I saw a flash of recognition in her eyes, just for a fleeting moment. It was good to see they were all in one piece, more or less, and most of all, fully clothed.
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